I think so I am

Wowzers!! I don’t even know where to start. So much has happened in the last few days since I wrote to you. So, as many of you know, I decided to start taking antidepressants about 10 days ago after quite a few months of feeling very anxious and depressed. A decision that didn’t come lightly, I had played with the idea for ages in my mind and tried lots of other more natural ways to make myself feel better. Unfortunately, I felt trapped and stuck in my feelings and emotions so decided to start treatment. As you will see from my other posts, they did make me feel a whole lot better very quickly. I’ve gotta confess that even after a couple of days, I felt MUCH better, more calm and relaxed.

However, unfortunately, last weekend I went back to London from Malta where I live for a wedding and all my previous emotions and feelings of anxiety came up again. I find it very hard being away from my boyfriend even just for a few days and struggle with negative, paranoid thoughts that plague my mind constantly when we are apart. It all stems from my past of course and I am getting therapy to help me with it. As soon as I arrived in London, all my previous thinking patterns and behaviours returned in their full ugliness and I felt like s#@t again. The drugs made absolutely no difference. I took a double dose the morning after the wedding, hoping that would make me feel better and at least make me feel too zombie-like to care about anything, but they just made me feel shakey and even more anxious. As soon as I returned back home to Malta and I was in the arms of my boyfriend again, I felt fine. Everything was fine. I was fine.

So that brings me to the main point of this post. I decided to come off the medication only 10 days after starting it. Why? Because I want to face life. I want to face life head on and be strong. I want to ride the waves of the good times and the bad times and know that I can handle anything that the world and my life throw at me. I know I can. I want to go through my life thinking clearly and experience everything with a mind that isn’t being altered by medication. I am not preaching or judging anyone that is on any kind of medication by the way. I truly believe that antidepressants etc have their place and can actually save lives and provide some hope for many people who are totally hopeless and helpless. However, I am saying that I believe and know that if I am brave and fearless, I can go through my life without them. I just have to be fearless. I just have to face any of my fears right in the eye and say that I will not let them paralyse me. I am bigger than any of my fears. I just want to appreciate every single day as if it were the last day that I am on the earth and the people around me. I want to love like there is no tomorrow. I want to love. That is all I want to do. I want to love the people in my life that make me happy. For me, that is ultimate happiness.

I am so lucky to be alive and to have the life that I have. My focus now is embracing every single moment in my day, remaining calm and being grateful. I am capable of anything. We all are.

Be strong people. And remember that your thoughts create your reality. Keep them light and happy xx

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